In the Waiting

If you are struggling with conceiving or starting a family of your own, I encourage you to keep reading. This blog post is intended to help inform you, encourage you, help you feel less alone, and maybe even enlighten you. If you’re not struggling with infertility, I encourage you to keep reading anyway. Hopefully, this blog will help you understand and better empathize with anyone in your life that may be going through the journey of starting their family.

My health journey really started at age 16 (will put my full story out there soon), but at age 25, I’m still struggling to feel in control of my body and my circumstances – and I’ve realized that I will never be in control of those things. For the past two years, my husband and I have been in the waiting period. We’ve been experiencing infertility month after month while trying to start our family. Having children is a deep, permanent desire that both of us have always had and have talked about together since we were dating. God wove this desire into each of our hearts and we fully believe that desire will be fulfilled in His good timing and according to whatever plan He has for us.

After one year of marriage, we decided to “start trying.” We had a plan – like everyone does – to enjoy our first year or so of marriage together and maximize our quality time, which we have! I’m so blessed to be married to my best friend, who truly makes every day feel like an adventure. Together, we’ve traveled to 34 states (check out My Top 10 Travel Tips!) and made a lifetime of memories in just a few short years. I will always be grateful for the alone time we’ve spent together. But, that doesn’t make the waiting any easier. Waiting for the next season. Waiting on God’s timing. Waiting on something that we both feel so ready for that we could explode.

In 2019, I saw a fertility doctor for the first time after a year of not having periods (and not getting pregnant). It was confirmed by my doctor that I have cystic ovaries, which are one of the symptoms of PCOS. This syndrome can range from mild to severe, and in my case, it is so severe that I don’t ovulate on my own. I’m not in any pain, but those pesky little cysts certainly throw off the way my body is meant to function. So, in order to ovulate every month, I have been taking medication and in turn, have received countless ultrasounds to ensure that my body looks healthy and ready to start that medicine. Every month, we start the process over.

We talk so often about the day we’ll finally be pregnant, baby names, how we’d love to travel with our kids (even though everyone says we won’t), or where we’ll put the nursery. While all of these things are fun and exciting to talk about, they’re also really, really hard. Every month – heck, every day – is truly a roller coaster of emotions for me. I go from feeling hopeful and excited to feeling frustrated and impatient. Sometimes I even forget that I’m in the waiting, which leads to me feeling guilty – like if I really wanted this, it would constantly be on my mind. But in reality, I know this isn’t true and it’s okay to feel at peace. I’m thankful to Jesus for those moments of peace and stillness He provides!

While I’m so thankful for the advanced medicine that has brought me hope and peace, countless doctor appointments each month with my fertility doctor and acupuncturist also make for a stressful (and expensive) journey. In addition to having our own kids, we look forward to bringing adopted children into our family one day as well. We pray earnestly for God to bring us a baby in whatever way He has planned, whenever our time will be, and we can’t wait to see that plan unfold. I wish that things were easier for us and that we could have a baby without any medical intervention. But I also want to bring awareness to this subject and let people know that it’s not always going to work out according to plan. If you want to have a baby one day, I encourage you and your partner to talk to your doctor sooner rather than later! It’s okay to need help.

If you’ve ever been hurt by the following questions or phrases, I’m sorry:

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

“When are you going to have kids?”

“I think you should wait until you’re (*insert age here*) to have kids.”

“Do everything fun that you can now before you have kids!”

And if you’re one of the people that use those phrases, please just take the time to reflect on your words and how they could be hurtful to others.

If you’re in the same boat as us, I’m sorry. I know it’s not a fun boat to find yourself in. And I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated at God, angry at your circumstance, confused about His plan, jealous of baby announcements, and hopeful for your future family all at the same time. I’m also here to tell you that if you’re going through this, you’re not alone. God sees you and feels your hurt.

In this season, I’m choosing to hold steadfast to the knowledge that Jesus has a plan that exceeds anything I could ever hope or dream for myself. If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, I hope this post is comforting or enlightening to you. I hope you walk away feeling less alone, more hopeful, and more okay with whatever you’re feeling. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me personally if you’d like to chat more about it.

If you think of it, Ryan and I would be so appreciative of your prayers during this time. Prayers for peace and unity in the waiting, and ultimately, a baby!