Why Pregnancy Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be

Much to my surprise, being pregnant isn’t everything.

If you’re new here, hi! I’m Jayni, and my husband Ryan and I are thrilled to be expecting our first baby in February of 2022. If you’re not new here, you may have read my blog post about our infertility journey, linked here. If you read that post, you’d know that we struggled for about 2 years and went through countless doctor appointments before conceiving. To say the least, it was an emotionally exhausting experience, but we couldn’t be more grateful for the Lord’s faithfulness in fulfilling our desire to become parents.

From the beginning of our fertility journey, Ryan always encouraged me to write that blog post. He thought maybe God was waiting on us to share our story and encourage others who may be struggling, too, before He granted us a baby. It seems kind of silly, but maybe that really is what God was planning. Because much to our surprise, about 1 week after posting that blog, we got our first positive pregnancy test. We were just a few days pregnant when I shared our story and I didn’t even know it yet! God’s timing is truly perfect. We felt so loved and encouraged by the prayers of everyone who read my post, and we really felt what it meant to be held up by our community.

Throughout our infertility journey, we went through 6 IUI’s (intrauterine inseminations). After our 4th IUI, we had a consultation with our doctor, who honestly admitted that she had no idea if or when IUI would work for us. She caringly encouraged us to pursue other options in order to not waste more time or money. But we still had hope that with the power of prayer and faith, this process was going to work for us. So we decided to keep trying. And two tries later, it did! Each hopeful IUI beforehand – and in turn, each heartbreaking negative pregnancy test – was harder than the last. My heart still hurts so deeply for anyone struggling month after month to conceive.

After going through that process for so long, you can imagine how excited, shocked, and nervous we were to see that second pink line finally show up on a pregnancy test. We took the test as we usually do, together, first thing in the morning. It was my first day working from home after quitting my full-time job, and I was so happy to be starting a new, less stressful routine (partly in hopes that it would increase our chances of getting pregnant). Ryan was staring at the test and waiting for the line to show up as he always did, while I nervously brushed my teeth and avoided looking down at the test at all costs. I would simply wait on his reaction in order to determine my own emotions. He usually let out a sigh, gave me a hug, and said something like “It’s okay. It’s just not our time yet,” and we would go about our days feeling let down, but not surprised. But this time, his reaction was different. “Babe…” he said. When I looked down, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Two pink lines. After years of trying to conceive naturally, countless doctor appointments, so much stress, and sadness, it was finally happening. “This isn’t real,” I kept saying through my tears. Sometimes I still can’t believe that it is.

But the thing that surprised me the most, was the lack of emotions I felt – or thought I would feel – when I finally saw those two pink lines. I thought I would feel like everything was right in the world. I thought I would leap for joy and constantly be filled with excitement, but that wasn’t the case. Needless to say, part of that lack of emotion could be due to the fact that it was still so early in my pregnancy and I was afraid of something going wrong. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t the whole reason.

Something inside of me clicked the moment that I saw our positive test. I had been praying to God so hard and for so long to give us a baby, and at that moment I realized He was truly the only thing that could satisfy me. I felt a gentle poke of guilt – not from God, but from myself – for thinking that a baby was the one thing I needed in order to really be happy. I realized then that I would never feel totally fulfilled by something on this Earth, no matter how bad I wanted it… because that is not how we were designed. We were created solely to love and be loved by our Creator, and the moments I spend with Him or getting to know more about Him, are truly the most fulfilling and life-giving moments I’ve ever had. In the months leading up to our pregnancy, I prayed more genuinely and more frequently than I had in my entire life. I really grew in my relationship with Jesus during that time and felt so close to Him, even in my sadness. I knew He was sad with me and that he wanted to give me all that I desired.

Hear me when I say that we are absolutely overjoyed about our pregnancy. I’m still in awe of such a big God giving us something we desire just because He is so good, not because we deserve it. I can’t believe He loves us enough to give us the gifts we ask for. But I also want you to hear me when I say that being pregnant isn’t everything – and I hope you understand now what I mean by that.

If you are still in a season of waiting, I want you to know that my heart is hurting for you. If you’re struggling with infertility, waiting to adopt, or trying to figure out the next season for your family, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I am in no way downplaying the heartache of the waiting season. I know firsthand how heartbreaking, incredibly emotional, and exhausting that can be. Baby announcements and gender reveals made me angry, sad, and frustrated, too. If you’re going through that season, I’d love to know so we can be praying for you and for God to fulfill your desires.

If you take one thing away from this blog post, I want you to know that God is truly the giver of all joy, life, and purpose. If you’d like to dive deeper with me about anything in this blog, just need some prayer, or a friend, please reach out to me! I’m always willing to listen.